Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Goodbye Barbs

I went to a bit of Barbara's funeral on New Year's eve. It was sad. Very, very sad. In fact I was a blubbering whale of a mess. I met some of her lovely family, some of whom I remember from the old days. It's a shame I couldn't get more then two words out of my stupid mouth though- that annoys me still. I have not lost such a good friend before and so I have no experience of these whole losing people shenanigans. It's hard though. Very hard. I guess I had imagined that I'd be one of those people who would simply remember the good times and be able to laugh about them. You know, turn that frown upside down and all that! Probably a bit naive of me I suppose!

I hold on to the memories I have and I hope some time soon that will become the norm. I think it's just too soon for me now. Luckily for me, Barbs was the kind of person who generously left me lots of good memories. Barbs kept a blog too. Not like this one, I mean a proper 'say it as it is' kind of blog. No waffle. I've been reading it and rereading it. Some of it makes me angry for a number of reasons, and the other just makes me feel....sad. And other bits make me smile.

Already there have been a few occasions where I'm almost at the point of picking up my phone to text her and then I remember. I said to a friend one day that I regret not saying stuff I wish I had have said. And that perhaps it's now that we know there's no way we can go back, the finality of death makes it so real that that opportunity has passed. But wisely she pointed out that most of the time, that kind of stuff doesn't need to be said anyway; they already know. I hope that's the case.

I think if I could invent any mad invention it would be some sort of window where you could go up and see everyone who has gone before us. I know there's someone that all of us would like to have just one more glimpse of. You wouldn't even need to be able talk to them, just to be able to press your head against the glass for a few minutes and see that they're OK would be enough. Just for them to turn around for a second and give that knowing smile that they're fine would do. Before going back to bungee jumping or whatever they get up to. But I'm sure that they are fine.

I know that this loss is nothing compared to what her family and close friends are going through though. How could it be? I would imagine the absence of such a critter(!) shouts speaks volumes. They say that "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never really the same again". Well I'm pretty sure that we all have pretty deeply engraved Nike Air Max (I think I saw her wear pink ones once...cloudy memory here though) ones which will always be there.

Thanks Barbs. You are a true superstar. And I was only joking, if you want to haunt me by throwing spoons, please do! But don't friggin hurt me!!!